it is a day that brings back painful memories
. . .
like most people
i used to be excited for my birthday
i definitely was, when i was in secondary 2
everyone who had their birthdays before me that year
were surprised with cake and gifts
with the whole group staying back after school for them
to spend the day celebrating with them
i thought mine would be the same
but no
people did wish me a happy birthday
but that was all
after school
everyone packed their bags
and headed home
i thought it was all part of their plan
but no
i remember having a proposal to submit that day
after school, for my cca
seeing everyone leave
i begged one or two of them to stay
to go submit the proposal with me
but no one wanted to
and they all left for home
i remember holding back my tears
as i walked to the staff room
but as i headed home
i struggled to do so
and a few of them fell
i hid in my room and cried that whole afternoon
i wanted to die
but somehow i didn't
. . .
when i was in secondary 3
i had a new group of friends
i thought things would be different
but no
similarly, people wished me a happy birthday
but that was all
recess that day
i was hungry
but no one else was
and they did not want to head down for lunch
again, i begged
for one or two of them to head down with me
but no one wanted to
so i headed down alone
ordered my lunch
and sat alone to eat
as if things weren't bad enough
someone else in school shared the same birthday as me
he had a group of friends with him
who started singing happy birthday for him
the whole canteen cheered
as they sang along
holding back my tears
i finished my food
headed to the toilet
where i sat down and cried
i wanted to die
but somehow i didn't
then i headed back to the classroom
as though nothing had happened
. . .
thankfully
things got better from secondary 4 on
but those memories linger
and return every year
but i guess that's a good thing
reminding me not to have any expectations
lest i get disappointed
i guess