check-in

i am so thankful, so grateful, so happy.

re-reading my old posts have made me realize just how much i have grown,

and how much my mindset has changed.

i still do get sad every now and then,

frustrated on some occasions.

but the way i think is different now.

the way i feel things, the way i see things, it's different now.

every difficult period, every tough time is an opportunity for growth.

it's an experience, a journey.

i look forward to the future now. 

i can only be better, and i will be better.

everything is going to be fine and i will be okay.

:)

emotions

i wish feelings didn't exist,

so i won't have to feel.

to be a robot without emotions,

there'll be no need to conceal.

everything is overwhelming,

and some respite is overdue.

i'm tired but i keep on going,

hoping one day to be rescued. 

gone

 I don't want to live a life where the only constant is pain. 

trying

when you're so accustomed to things being not okay,

that it's hard to convince yourself that being okay is actually okay. 

when every good thing that you ever had always ends so promptly and abruptly,

it's hard to convince yourself that good things can actually last, and that you do deserve good things in your life. 

it's hard to not jump to the negatives right away when you're so used to it being that way. 

yes of course i know that that's not good, i'm fully aware that that's self-sabotage. 

but breaking the mold isn't easy, it's hard to change something so deeply ingrained.

but i will try. 

i will try. 

no promises, but i will try. 

crash

it's funny how things can come crashing down so quickly.

i was so happy a week ago. 

but now it feels like i'm stuck in a dark place.

a place with no escape, and nowhere to go. 

maybe it's just as people say.

the higher you climb, the harder you fall.

the happier you are, the harder the crash. 

things like that are inevitable.

but it's hard enough when you feel like you are not worthy of good things.

and when life seems to start proving those feelings right, 

the emotions get too overwhelming. 

and in the end, you're just playing a losing game. 

it's so tempting to give up.

it's so tempting to give everything up.

it's not much anyway.

and i don't think i matter much either. 

troubled

in between the helplessness and guilt,

lies confusion and anxiety.

worthless. 

27

another year has passed,

and i'm a year older again. 

i wasn't in a very good headspace this time last year.

but this year, i feel extremely blessed.

thankful for all the people around me, 

thankful for all the love and support.

i have so much, and i should be reminded never to take any of this for granted.

:)

again

I had that thought again today

and it scared me 

it had stayed away for a long time 

and I assumed that it would never return

but it came back again today

and it scared me 

I think I'm not ok again

and I don't know what to do

I want to be ok again

but I don't know what to do

turmoil

i've written so many posts in the past 2 months

but none of them were posted in the end 

i just can't seem to put my thoughts into words 

thoughts that are neither here, neither there

but somehow still everywhere

i've been feeling so conflicted

my thoughts, my actions, my beliefs 

there's just too much contradiction

i no longer know who or what i am

i no longer know what to believe in

muddled

it's so foreign, yet so familiar.

makes sense, yet i can't seem to comprehend. 

is this ignorance or just plain denial? 

justified, or just senseless fear? 

grasping at straws, grappling with life. 

never-ending struggle.